Do You Yell At Your Kids?
This question falls into the same category as my spanking article I wrote not too long ago. Some define spanking as child abuse. Some define it as acceptable and good parenting practices. But what about yelling at your kids? I am a firm believer that screaming and yelling at your kids is not always a good strategy but have I done it? You bet. I have been angry. I have been fed up and I have yelled at my kids to stop doing something.
Yelling for the sake of blowing steam may not be a good parenting practice but can raising your voice emphasize your authority and get your kids to pay attention? This should be an interesting conversation.
We should layout in order from one extreme to the next so that we can easily get on the same page of what yelling at your kids is.
For instance we have:
1. Screaming to the top of your lungs where spit flies
2. Yelling angrily
3. Raising your voice
4. Speaking firmly
5. Talking
6. Speaking calmly
So where are you normally and what have you done on occasion? Personally I am 3. I aim for 4 but find myself at 3 and some days pushing 2. I can’t remember any incidences as of yet that I have reached 1. I have definitely practiced 5 and 6 but like I said I am a strong 3 when I am so-called “reprimanding the kids”.
But I think it is like anything. It varies with the severity of what the kids are doing.
So do you yell, scream, speak firmly, or maybe speak gently?
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POSTED IN: Parenting
11 opinions for Do You Yell At Your Kids?
Mike
Mar 20, 2007 at 8:57 am
I’m normally at a 4 when I need them to Respect My Authoritay. 4 works best. 3 and 5 don’t work for me at all. 6 does seem to work quite well most of the time, too.
James
Mar 20, 2007 at 9:20 am
I agree that it depends on what they are doing (or not doing) that determines the level. I have been at 3, even 2 on occasion, but don’t like to. Those times are reserved for when listening is not happening and something bad could happen.(i.e. running with scissors). 4 and 5 with a good time-out are the most effective for me, though.
steve
Mar 20, 2007 at 10:07 am
Thanks guys. I guess if I had to choose the ideal way to deal with something would be 4, 5, and 6. But you made a good point about running with scissors. Sometimes to get their attention to stop you need to use 3 or even 2.
Rory
Mar 20, 2007 at 7:17 pm
I agree, Steve, yelling at kids is not a great practice. Thanks for bringing this to our attention.
I usually reside at a level 4, and once I went to a level 3, but it was more of a furious “hiss”, than a yell. I tend to get more intense, with an angry face, than loud.
Parents are going to get angry - it’s how that anger is channeled that is key.
Karen is Thrifty
Mar 20, 2007 at 11:47 pm
I speak firmly or raise my voice to get my kids attention. I will admit that I have yelled a few times, but they were very extreme circumstances. I do speak calmly sometimes and just matter-of-factly. It really does depend on the situation. It’s nice that you can be married and privately tell the other parents when they’re being too harsh or if they need to cool it for a minute. We’re a team and we help each other out.
I find with my preschool class that I have to raise my voice a lot. I hate it, but it gets so loud in there that they can’t hear me unless I do. I sometimes try to get them quiet with a loud “1, 2, . . .”
One time I had a student whose mother yelled at him so much (she was in the Army) that he just learned to tune it out. He was conditioned to her constant yelling.
My mom told me to save the yelling for really important stuff, that way it will be effective and they’ll know you mean business.
Norm
Mar 22, 2007 at 12:21 pm
I keep myself in no higher than 4. 5 and 6 would be ideal. I know how yelling makes me feel and I made a vow when my son was born to never yell. Plus when he is being loud and doing something he shouldn’t…if i talk quietly or whisper….he has to stop what he is doing in order to hear me…so all that negative behavior now stops so he can hear what I am saying.
Kolten is 2 and I have managed to do this so far. I also have a 15 yr old step daughter, 18 yr old step son who have never heard me yell.
That is why I thank God for hunting and fishing….: )
KC
Mar 22, 2007 at 8:47 pm
I do it all. Rarely do conversations go as planned.
James
Mar 22, 2007 at 11:34 pm
Rory: “I tend to get more intense, with an angry face, than loud. Parents are going to get angry - it’s how that anger is channeled that is key.”
Karen: “It’s nice that you can be married and privately tell the other parents when they’re being too harsh or if they need to cool it for a minute. We’re a team and we help each other out…I sometimes try to get them quiet with a loud “1, 2, . . .One time I had a student whose mother yelled at him so much (she was in the Army) that he just learned to tune it out. He was conditioned to her constant yelling. My mom told me to save the yelling for really important stuff, that way it will be effective and they’ll know you mean business.”
Norm: “Plus when he is being loud and doing something he shouldn’t…if i talk quietly or whisper….he has to stop what he is doing in order to hear me…so all that negative behavior now stops so he can hear what I am saying.”
That all sums it up perfectly. Thank you, great parents!
Karen is Thrifty
Mar 22, 2007 at 11:41 pm
Thanks James.
Rory
Mar 23, 2007 at 2:27 am
Coo, compliments are lovely, thank you. I’m seeking out this James Grayson fellow.
Bill
Apr 1, 2007 at 10:05 am
Just ran across this site today. I am normally a 5 or 6. I go to 4 when I am trying to get a point across. Very rarely do I make it to 3 or 2, but I have. I have 3 older children from a previous marriage. They are 30,33,and 35 now and have kids of their own. I can’t say that I have ever heard any of them yell at their kids. Their mother yelled sometimes, but I usually set the tone and could bring her back down by just talking calmly if she got loud. My children apparently picked up on it.
Now for the other side of the coin! I’m now married to a woman who can’t seem to speak without speaking loudly or yelling. Funny, she wasn’t like this when we dated. She yells at my 11 year old stepdaughter almost all the time. My stepdaughter has now aquired her tone as well. However, she rarely acts that way when her mother is not around. Any suggestions?
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